A Prayer to the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Two-Time Golden Globe Nominated Actress Queen Latifah

Dear Lord on High,

Please bless us on this day

With the wisdom to follow Your truth,

Or the strength to repent our sins,

Or worldwide record sales of nearly

Two million and climbing.

 

Thy Will be Done, oh Lord.

Might you bless us with what we desire,

As you did granting Abraham the life of Isaac,

Or reveal to us the fault in our path,

As you did in 1998 upon the release of

Foxy Brown’s album “10% Dis,”

Which straight up burned Latifah like toast.

 

Forgive us for our transgressions, oh Lord.

Much like Isaac when

He denied Esau his rightful inheritance,

Or the Queen when she voiced

A lady mammoth in the film “Ice Age: The Meltdown,”

We sinners know not what we do.

 

Grant us patience, great God above,

For the blessings that await us.

Sarah and Abraham were denied a child

Until Abraham’s one-hundredth year.

Queen Latifah was denied her own

Syndicated daytime talk show

Until her forty-third year.

Both equally difficult challenges of faith

For which a benevolent patience was

Bestowed upon them.

 

Finally, Lord,

May we always feel your love.

Speak to us as you did Abraham, saying,

“You will be the father of a multitude of nations,”

Or speak to us as you did the Queen of Jazz-Rap, saying,

“Girl, you better sang.”

 

May we always be in

Communion with you,

Most High and Worthy God,

Until we pass on from this world.

In the words of your creation,

“I’m Gonna Live Till I Die.”

 

Amen, saith Blake.

Some More Haikus For Your Day

When Germans tell you

To stop wearing your bow ties,

You dress to the nein’s.

I have to ask you

Something, Lou, so tell me – Where’s

Mambo Number Six?

Your whole world is a

Lie – technically, every hat

Is a top hat. Boom.

Running away from

Jurassic Park’s attractions;

You’ll be dino-sore.

Fun fact: Bananas –

Add a “D,” it’s “Bad Nanas.”

Fuck it up, Gram-gram.

The phrase “roller blades”

Sounds much scarier if you

Don’t know what they are.

If you were doing

Your job well, Beth, you’d be a

TEETH Fairy, not TOOTH.

“B” is pronounced “bee”

“C” is “see,” “V” is “vee,” but

Somehow, “H” is “aych.”

 

By Blake

Mean Shakespeare

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?

Sweaty, smelly, and seeped

In high expectations, while actually

Ending in an unpleasant stickiness

And the need to shower.

 

Would a rose by any other name be

Just as sweet?

Yes, but it would still be a prick.

 

What light through yonder window breaks?

It is the east, and you are the sun.

Hard to look at for an

Extended period of time,

And will eventually kill me

If I spend too much time in your presence.

 

So are you to my thoughts as food to life –

A distraction from the problems

I should actually be dealing with.

Or as sweet-seasoned showers are to the ground –

You ruin picnics.

 

O, that I were a glove upon your hand

That I might touch that cheek!

Then I could be used to slap you

As the preamble of a duel.

 

Let all the number of the stars give light

To thy fair way!

Because, like the stars,

You are gassy and distant.

Exeunt my life, Bethany.

 

By Blake

You’re Like a Metaphor

You’re like a metaphor.

A means by which to

Evoke feelings beyond description,

Like the beauty of the sun

Or how much of a bitch you are,

And wholly, entirely

Comparable.

You’re like a simile,

Using like or as.

You’re like an ass:

Pretty shitty.

You’re like a stanza.

Sometimes

The

Way you

Are

Doesn’t make

Any

Sense.

You’re like alliteration.

Obtusely obnoxious,

Exceedingly ever-present,

And always annoyingly abjective.

(Albeit, attributed with an amazing ass)

You’re like an onomatopoeia.

Though your personality is woof

And your attitude is ugh,

I’d still like to bang you.

You’re like a rhyme.

With an initial chime,

But honestly not worth the time,

Because eventually it won’t be sublime.

Paradigm.

You’re like poetry.

Deceitfully beautiful and eloquent

When in reality,

The substance is

Crude.

 

By Blake

Some Haikus For Your Day

I drank some spirits

And challenged my kid to jump

Rope: call that hop scotch

Salty taste hidden

By shadows of color, Play-

Doh’s Allegory

“Always bet on black.”

Physicists discussing which

Holes are deadliest

Turn the other cheek

Means very different things to

Strippers and surgeons

When Dora saw her

Foxy ex-boo on Tinder,

“Swiper, Left Swiping!”

A rower, some mist,

And a skeptic walk into

a bar. Oar dew they?

If Hamlet was a

Television censor – “To

beep or not to beep.”

How do I love thee?

Let me count the ways: One, ass.

Two, tits. End of list.

When writing haikus,

There’s only one thing to fear:

Running out of syl-

By Blake