Dating and Driving

Millennial dating advice that is also good advice for driving on California freeways: How to minimize the risk of anything at all out of the ordinary happening to your car (or your heart!) in the treacherous minefields of EMOTIONS and CALIFORNIA MOTORISTS.

  1. Wait as long as possible before merging to take advantage of all open space.
  2. Never schedule anything during regular hours, i.e. between 7am and 8pm.
  3. Do not signal; If others are aware of your intentions, it is a weakness that could be exploited.
  4. Pay close attention to the minute details of text-based signs. Punctuation can make a huge difference in meaning.
  5. It is generally acceptable (and even expected) to tell people you’re coming when you haven’t left yet.
  6. Keep a safe distance at all times to avoid destruction if things should suddenly come to a halt.
  7. Try to stay calm even when it appears that others are exhibiting a total disregard for your well-being.
  8. Work from the expectation that no one is going to let you in.
  9. Don’t let anyone in.

 

By Hannah Jones

World’s Most Dangerous Pies

Turpentine Turnover

A recipe popularized in Paris during the Impressionist Movement of the late nineteenth century, the Turpentine Turnover is one part puff pastry, one part cherry filling, and three parts distilled pine tree resin. This dessert gained renown in the artistic community due to the symptoms that accompanied its consumption, namely blood in one’s urine and discoloration of the skin – these sharp crimsons and soft azures provided painters with a wonderful palette of hues from which to draw inspiration.

Knife Surprise

This pie was introduced as a novelty dish at a local bakery in Poughkeepsie, called “The Éclair Au Pair.” The owner of the bakery, called “Steve,” created the dish in an attempt to fuse life-threatening, adrenaline-pumping risk-taking with homemade baked goods. The Knife Surprise was only available for a month before “The Éclair Au Pair” went out of business because, as it turns out, that intersection of passions is a very niche market. The only way to find out what the surprise was now is to purchase a Knife Surprise on the Black Farmer’s Market. (Spoiler: the surprise was that it was actually filled with tiny sticks of dynamite.)

The Nomadic Tart

The first cave paintings, alongside figures of man hunting beast, feature rough etchings of a baked good, punctuated by wavy lines on top (indicating heat/good scent) and straight lines to the side (indicating movement). Many Ancient Greek plays, from Oedipus Rex to The Bacchae, discuss “The Moving Pastry” in the same context as the Pantheon, with simultaneous reverence and fear. Paul warned the Hebrews and the Gentiles in The Book of Revelations of “That Which is Both Traveling and Delicious” as one of the forbearers of Judgement Day. While scholars debate the finer points of this pie (Does it have sentience? What are the biological components of a pastry that can circumvent the globe on its own accord? Is it gluten-free?), there are two things we know for sure – it’s coming, and we’re not ready.

Miss Norman’s Apple Pie

This pie is not a pie at all, but, in fact, a live bear that Miss Norman named “Apple Pie.” Do not fuck with Miss Norman.

 

By Blake

Martin Luther’s Other Theses

The Reverend Father Martin Luther is most well-known for his “Ninety-Five Theses,” a document attacking the corrupt practices of the Catholic Church through a series of argumentative claims, that were nailed to the door of the Catholic Church. However, few people know that there were originally Two-Hundred and Forty-Seven Theses, most of which the Reverend Luther either decided were not as crucial to the reformation of the Catholic church, or accidently forgot to include in the final draft and didn’t want to write the whole thing again. These original theses were recovered during an archeological excavation in 1873, led by Sir Catherine Theeees, who found the lost document directly underneath Eisleben Elementary School. The world rejoiced at the prospect of new theological texts that could revolutionize contemporary religion, and the students at Eisleben Elementary rejoiced at missing school for a week. Academics studying these new theses found that they greatly developed our understanding of Martin Luther, both as a reverend and a Scorpio. To better educate and inform you, the reader, we will now present a select few of Martin Luther’s Other Theses.

6. There has been a drastic miscommunication as it pertains to our holy text. James 11:35 says that Our Lord and Master Jesus WEPT. Stop giving brooms to our newly ordained brethren.

23. The communion wafer is a dull and tasteless foodstuff, and does not accurately reflect the body of Our Lord and Savior. Perhaps it could be replaced with a Cheez-it – for Christ himself was quite zesty.

69. Christians are to be taught that indulgences, such as chocolates or fine wines, are to be enjoyed on cheat days and cheat days only.

80. The enemies of Christ and his people are many, and to be taken heed of so that his followers are not led away from the path. Deceivers, adulterers, and heretics should be feared. Also bears.

101. The pope, as descended from the holy St. Peter, is decreed by the Church as infallible, not unfallable. Stop trying to trip him as he walks past the pews.

101a. The pope is also not unfillable. Stop challenging him to chug the sacramental wine.

109. It is vain to trust in salvation by indulgence letters, though it is reasonable to trust in salivation by scrumptious fruits.

144. Any truly repentant Christian has a right to full remission of penalty and guilt, as well as a full season pass to Wacky Wally’s Funtime Amusement Cathedral, complete with free tickets to go on the Spinning Teacups of Absolution.

157. The true treasure of the church is the most holy gospel of the glory and grace of God. The secondary treasure of the church is the Secret Gold of Captain Levician, to be found only by following the map hidden on the inside of the pope’s hat.

199. Forsaken be the prophets who do not recognize the Holy Spirit in even the lowest of men, and blessed be the prophets who give you the rest of their fries when they’re full.

215. No river dancing.

231. Let him who speaks against the truth concerning papal injustices be accursed, or at least tickled into submission by the Holy Tickle Bishop (trademark pending).

247. Christians should be empowered in their pursuit of the Lord, and thus confident of entering into heaven through tribulations, including the Hallowed Limbo Game at the Golden Gates of Heaven. Hint: it’s all in the calves.

 

By Blake

Some Haikus For Your Day

I drank some spirits

And challenged my kid to jump

Rope: call that hop scotch

Salty taste hidden

By shadows of color, Play-

Doh’s Allegory

“Always bet on black.”

Physicists discussing which

Holes are deadliest

Turn the other cheek

Means very different things to

Strippers and surgeons

When Dora saw her

Foxy ex-boo on Tinder,

“Swiper, Left Swiping!”

A rower, some mist,

And a skeptic walk into

a bar. Oar dew they?

If Hamlet was a

Television censor – “To

beep or not to beep.”

How do I love thee?

Let me count the ways: One, ass.

Two, tits. End of list.

When writing haikus,

There’s only one thing to fear:

Running out of syl-

By Blake

Folksy Advice From Your Uncle Tony

People who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. People who live in Google Glass houses shouldn’t be managing their own finances.

To err is human. To urr is phonetic.

Never let adversity stop you. You can always lip-sync if you’re tone deaf, and you can always N-Sync if you’re Joey Fatone deaf.

A watched pot never boils. However, if you’re on pot, it might start watching you back.

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, and a picture is worth a thousand words. So a picture of a bird in the hand is worth two thousand words about shrub fowl.

Even a broken clock is right two times a day. Unless it’s digital, then it’s just worthless. Like you.

A rolling stone gathers no moss. That is why Mick Jagger chooses not to shower regularly.

A penny saved is a penny earned. A arsonist hired by a breakfast restaurant chain is a Denny’s burned.

You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink. Never invite horses to your beach parties, they never do shots with you.

An eye for an eye and the whole world goes blind. Unless the people in question already have both of their eyes. Then that’s only two eyes lost out of a total of four. That’s still half of the eyes. Math is important.

By Blake