Dating and Driving

Millennial dating advice that is also good advice for driving on California freeways: How to minimize the risk of anything at all out of the ordinary happening to your car (or your heart!) in the treacherous minefields of EMOTIONS and CALIFORNIA MOTORISTS.

  1. Wait as long as possible before merging to take advantage of all open space.
  2. Never schedule anything during regular hours, i.e. between 7am and 8pm.
  3. Do not signal; If others are aware of your intentions, it is a weakness that could be exploited.
  4. Pay close attention to the minute details of text-based signs. Punctuation can make a huge difference in meaning.
  5. It is generally acceptable (and even expected) to tell people you’re coming when you haven’t left yet.
  6. Keep a safe distance at all times to avoid destruction if things should suddenly come to a halt.
  7. Try to stay calm even when it appears that others are exhibiting a total disregard for your well-being.
  8. Work from the expectation that no one is going to let you in.
  9. Don’t let anyone in.

 

By Hannah Jones

A Lesson in Law

Howdy folks! I’m Ralph Flannigan, proud member of Tallahassee Neighborhood Watch. Now sure I’m no cop, but I am an average Joe, with a love for the laws that keep this country safe. That being said, the legal language of this great land can be tough to decipher. What are your rights? Do they vary state by state? And what’s with all that Latin – I mean Jesus, where are we, an Olive Garden? In this blog, I hope to give fellow upstanding citizens a crash course in the legal lexicon, so that they too can stay off the streets, and out of trouble.

Miranda Rights

We’ve all heard it before. “Sir, step away from the bone saw, and put your hands up! You have the right to remain silent!” But now that you are silent, what next? Note that “anything you say can and will be used against you.” Sound familiar? That’s right, it’s the friggin’ quiet game- from kindergarten! So zip those lips, lock ‘em up, and throw away the key. Your police officer should do the same. Now the rules are simple- first one to make a peep loses, and gets arrested! So, just keep mum, stare that officer down, and try to make him laugh. A silly face should do the trick! Once he breaks the silence, go ahead and cuff him, then send his butt to the big house! Boo-yah!

Good Samaritan Law

Based on the parable of similar name, this legal protection states that bystanders who provide medical assistance, to another person in peril, will not be held liable for any consequences of such assistance. For example – total hypothetical – picture an elderly woman. Her left leg is riddled with gangrene. Black and blue sores cover her dry husk of a limb. Perhaps this is the result of untreated diabetes? Who knows… What I do know is that I, the well-meaning citizen, would intervene on such a catastrophe. So, I grab my trusty bone saw (always on my person, for emergencies like this). That’s right, it’s time to amputate. After several hacks at the woman’s leg, she might scream that “it’s just a birthmark” and “not at all gangrene, you moron.” Gadzooks, I exclaim- clearly, the gangrene has spread to her brain, so I ought to saw even faster! Furiously, I slice, until this woman’s bum leg is severed from her body. Sure, there might be blood. Hell, the poor lady might now be dead. Okay she’s dead. But in the eyes of the law, I tried my damnedest- thus I am a hero, a Good Samaritan. Hear that officer? A hero!

Capital Offense

I grew up in D.C., so the Washington Capitals are my friggin’ hockey team, and damn it, if they don’t have the best offense in the league. Did you catch last night’s game? We practically murdered Vancouver. I mean, the chemistry between Johnny Slapshot and Rick Frostbite… it was to die for! We put those damn Canucks six feet under! Anyways, I don’t know why these cops keep bringing up my Caps. Back to all the rest of that legal mumbo jumbo…

Bail

Uh oh, looks like you landed your naughty ass in the clink. Now your lawyer’s talking about some “$300,000 bail.” But wait, you don’t have that kind of money… How are you going to get out of this place? Fear not, because sometimes the law is a little trickster like that. In a case like this, just ring up your local bondsman, and you’ll only have to pay one tenth of that price. $30,000? That’s chump change compared to your last offense. Best of all, you don’t even have to pay with money! It’s called bail for a reason, so try using bundles of hay, or any other livestock feed. More often than not, they’ll let you go, so long as you “leave town for good, and put that damn bone saw away.”

“Ignorantia juris non excusat”

This one would’ve been nice to know a while ago, but it roughly translates to “Those two Poli Sci courses you took online won’t get you out of the heap of trouble you’re in, buster.” And with that, I’m signing off. But expect part two of “A Lesson in Law” after my hearing in forty years.

 

By Drew Vollmer

A Prayer to the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Two-Time Golden Globe Nominated Actress Queen Latifah

Dear Lord on High,

Please bless us on this day

With the wisdom to follow Your truth,

Or the strength to repent our sins,

Or worldwide record sales of nearly

Two million and climbing.

 

Thy Will be Done, oh Lord.

Might you bless us with what we desire,

As you did granting Abraham the life of Isaac,

Or reveal to us the fault in our path,

As you did in 1998 upon the release of

Foxy Brown’s album “10% Dis,”

Which straight up burned Latifah like toast.

 

Forgive us for our transgressions, oh Lord.

Much like Isaac when

He denied Esau his rightful inheritance,

Or the Queen when she voiced

A lady mammoth in the film “Ice Age: The Meltdown,”

We sinners know not what we do.

 

Grant us patience, great God above,

For the blessings that await us.

Sarah and Abraham were denied a child

Until Abraham’s one-hundredth year.

Queen Latifah was denied her own

Syndicated daytime talk show

Until her forty-third year.

Both equally difficult challenges of faith

For which a benevolent patience was

Bestowed upon them.

 

Finally, Lord,

May we always feel your love.

Speak to us as you did Abraham, saying,

“You will be the father of a multitude of nations,”

Or speak to us as you did the Queen of Jazz-Rap, saying,

“Girl, you better sang.”

 

May we always be in

Communion with you,

Most High and Worthy God,

Until we pass on from this world.

In the words of your creation,

“I’m Gonna Live Till I Die.”

 

Amen, saith Blake.

Cole Slaw’s Sauce Laws

My name is Dr. Cole Slaw. I know, I know, my parents were quite the comedians – let us move on. I am a tenured professor at Yale with a PhD in Material Science, and for the entirety of my career, I have been enraptured by the perplexity and uncertainty surrounding sauces. What is a sauce? What conditions have to be met for a substance to qualify as a sauce rather than a dressing or a marinade? Why can the adjective “saucy” be used to describe literal sauces as well as my neighbor Denice, who “tells it like it is?” To uncover these mysteries, I have spent the past decade collaborating with top researchers in the field of physics and top hostesses in the parking lots of Red Lobsters. As it is in any academic study, there will always be more to discover – new theories to test and new appetizers with which to dip – but as it currently stands, I have compiled a series of physical laws from my research that will serve as the foundation for any further sauce studies. For the scientific community and the whole world to see, I present Cole Slaw’s Sauce Laws.

Slaw’s First Sauce Law

A “sauce” is to be, at its core, recognized as a fluid or semi-fluid condiment used in the adornment or dipping of edible substances. Regardless if a substance meets all the other conditions required to be recognized as a sauce, this is the first condition a sauce must meet. This preclusion includes substances such as, but not limited to, motor oil, mud, and yellow snow.

Slaw’s Second Sauce Law

A sauce’s primary use must be to accompany another foodstuff. If it is sufficient on its own merit, it is not to be recognized as a sauce. For this reason, smoothies and baby food are not sauces. Even if you purchase a jar of Gerber’s Mixed Vegetable Purée solely for the purpose of lathering it upon a roasted ham, it was not produced for that purpose. It was produced to fill infants with hatred at an early age.

Slaw’s Second and a Half Sauce Law

The same remains true in the reverse – a sauce remains a sauce even if it is consumed independently of another foodstuff. Any individual who imbibes Worcestershire sauce on its own, of their own accord, is an abomination who spits in the face of God. That is all I have to say on the matter.

Slaw’s Third Sauce Law

A sauce, as compared to any other food adornment, must be appropriately “thick.” This “thickness” can be drawn from pure viscosity of the substance –as is the case for barbecue sauce – or from the presence of solid matter within the substance that creates the illusion of increased viscosity – as is the case for marinara sauce. This is the distinction that precludes ranch from being considered a proper sauce. When adorned upon a French fry, ranch does not cling with tenacity as does the barbecue sauce – on the contrary, it drips like the dressing that it is.

Slaw’s Fourth Sauce Law

For a sauce to be considered “special,” it must both be available exclusively from a single distributor, as well as be a puke-reminiscent hue of beige – that of 2% milk discarded in the middle of desert for seventeen days. Disclaimer: The McDonald’s and Chick-fil-A corporations have requested that I remove this law from my published findings, but I refused. For academic integrity. For scientific progress. For Denise.

 

By Blake

World’s Most Dangerous Pies

Turpentine Turnover

A recipe popularized in Paris during the Impressionist Movement of the late nineteenth century, the Turpentine Turnover is one part puff pastry, one part cherry filling, and three parts distilled pine tree resin. This dessert gained renown in the artistic community due to the symptoms that accompanied its consumption, namely blood in one’s urine and discoloration of the skin – these sharp crimsons and soft azures provided painters with a wonderful palette of hues from which to draw inspiration.

Knife Surprise

This pie was introduced as a novelty dish at a local bakery in Poughkeepsie, called “The Éclair Au Pair.” The owner of the bakery, called “Steve,” created the dish in an attempt to fuse life-threatening, adrenaline-pumping risk-taking with homemade baked goods. The Knife Surprise was only available for a month before “The Éclair Au Pair” went out of business because, as it turns out, that intersection of passions is a very niche market. The only way to find out what the surprise was now is to purchase a Knife Surprise on the Black Farmer’s Market. (Spoiler: the surprise was that it was actually filled with tiny sticks of dynamite.)

The Nomadic Tart

The first cave paintings, alongside figures of man hunting beast, feature rough etchings of a baked good, punctuated by wavy lines on top (indicating heat/good scent) and straight lines to the side (indicating movement). Many Ancient Greek plays, from Oedipus Rex to The Bacchae, discuss “The Moving Pastry” in the same context as the Pantheon, with simultaneous reverence and fear. Paul warned the Hebrews and the Gentiles in The Book of Revelations of “That Which is Both Traveling and Delicious” as one of the forbearers of Judgement Day. While scholars debate the finer points of this pie (Does it have sentience? What are the biological components of a pastry that can circumvent the globe on its own accord? Is it gluten-free?), there are two things we know for sure – it’s coming, and we’re not ready.

Miss Norman’s Apple Pie

This pie is not a pie at all, but, in fact, a live bear that Miss Norman named “Apple Pie.” Do not fuck with Miss Norman.

 

By Blake

A Comprehensive Analysis of Wingdings

Contrary to popular belief, Wingdings is not a buffalo wing delivery service by way of bicycle, nor is it what happened to Clarence at the end of It’s a Wonderful Life. Wingdings is actually a symbol-based font that was co-created in 1957 by Howard Wing and Joseph A. Ding, and has found its way into most standard word processing programs. Wingdings has perplexed the most scholarly academics and the most astute fourth-graders since time immemorial. In an attempt to remedy this, I present to you now a comprehensive analysis of the Wingdings font.

(Disclaimer: This is an analysis of Wingdings 1, the primary Wingding font, rather than Wingdings 2 or 3, which are merely bastardizations of a beautiful linguistic creation.)

Screen Shot 2017-06-21 at 12.11.53 PM

Wingdings: Lowercase Letters “a-z”

As it is with skiing down a mountain or most sexual encounters, let’s start at the top. For those of you schooled in the astrological arts, you may notice that the lowercase “a” is the zodiac sign for Cancer. This may seem surprising, as there are multiple other zodiac signs (Aries, Aquarius, and Amphibious) that begin with the letter “a.” This is, in fact, a reference to one of the first reviewers of the font, Admiral Arthur Applebaum, who described Wingdings in a New York Times review as “a cancer on the English language.”

The following eight letters, from “b” to “i,” encompass the rest of Zodiac symbols because Joseph A. Ding was being a real Leo about the whole thing. Following that is a cursive “ET” for the letter “j” because Joseph A. Ding wanted to memorialize his favorite movie that hadn’t been created yet in his new font (Joseph was heavy-handedly taking over the font creation at this point – once again, a real Leo). Neither Howard Wing nor Joseph A. Ding knew how to spell the word “ampersand,” but regardless they came to the conclusion that there must be a “k” in there somewhere, leading to the next letter’s design. The rest of the lowercase letters became simple shapes – circles, squares, shaded squares – merely because of the fact that Wing and Ding had spent the majority of their budget on a professional calligrapher for the first eleven letters.

Screen Shot 2017-06-21 at 12.11.59 PM

Wingdings: Uppercase Letters “A-Z”

For the uppercase font, Howard and Joseph decided that they wanted to encapsulate the most impactful methods of communication throughout human history, in order from most important at “A” to least important at “Z.” The hierarchy of methods of communication, according to Wing and Ding, proceed as follows – hand gestures, facial expressions, weaponry, flags, a single airplane, common weather, and finally, major world religions.

Screen Shot 2017-06-21 at 12.12.06 PM

Wingdings: Numbers “0-9”

This is no documentation as to why Howard Wing and Joseph A. Ding chose the specific iconography for numbers that they did. However, it is the expert opinion of this linguistic scholar that it is meant to represent the progression of information as it accumulates. It begins with a single folder, then opening as if to say, “Get up all in my bid-nis.” We then see a single dog-eared sheet of paper, assumedly procured from the folder – it has words, but we are not privy to what those words might be, be they government secrets or the lyrics to Sting’s “Desert Rose.” The paper is unfolded, opening itself up (metaphorically this time) to become several pieces of paper, which then become so expansive as to require an entire filing cabinet. A filing cabinet with only two shelves, granted, but how many shelves do you have, huh? None? That’s what I thought. You have no place to judge. Time passes, as signified by a hour glass, until all that information becomes digitized, requiring the mouse and keyboard to surf the online seas of binary, HTML, and pictures of Enrique Iglesias. Then, and only then, does Big Brother begin monitoring you with an old-fashioned camcorder. This is, of course, only conjecture as to what Howard and Joseph might have meant.

Unfortunately, we will never know the full and complete truth as to the secrets within Wingdings, as Howard Wing and Joseph A. Ding were taken from their homes in the middle of the night by black vans – vans that were emblazoned with the words “We Are Not The Government.” It is impossible to say who might have taken them, but they cannot stop us from trying to understand the secrets behind this fantastical font. Now, if you will excuse me, someone is knocking at my door. They seem to be yelling, “We Are Still Not The Government!” How strange.

 

By Blake

Letters to Beloved Authors

Dear John Steinbeck,

You listen here, John-boy, and you listen good – fuck you. Fuck you for making me think I might read an elaborate epic about fruits rising up against their herbivorous overlords. There were no goddamn angry grapes in the WHOLE FUCKING BOOK. I’m going to write a spiritual successor titled The Melons of Malcontent, and those watermelons are going to eat the fucking Joad family alive. How’s that for wrath, Ein-Stein?

(P.S. Also fuck you for making me imagine a grown-ass man getting breast-fed. Shit’s fucked up.)

Love, Blake

 

Dear Nathanial Hawthorne,

Alright, you Downton-Abbey-sounding motherfucker, what was with all those names? Shit, Chillingsworth was a scholar, not a goddamn Bond villain trying to take over the country with a fucking blizzard-making blimp. And could you even TRY to come up with a less on-the-nose boring guy name than Richard Bellingham? You should’ve just gone with Tiberius McHoity-Toites and given up all pretense, ass-face.

(P.S. You win the award for most implied references of going to fuck-town. Congratulations.)

Love, Blake

 

Dear Mary Shelley,

You fucked up big time, sister. You should’ve just given the fucking monster a different fucking name. Shit, you could’ve called him “Dave,” I wouldn’t give a flying dick. But if I’m talking about your shitty-ass book and some nerd-ass says “it’s technically Frankenstein’s monster” ONE MORE GODDAMN TIME, I’m going to resurrect YOUR corpse and burn it on top of a fucking mountain.

Love, Blake

 

Dear F. Scott Fitzgerald,

You’re the fucking worst, Scotty. I’d punt your dick-ass into that pool Gatsby died in if you weren’t dead already. Not for your writing, of course. The novel was a wonderful commentary on the idealization of the American Dream. But every fucking other themed party I go to now is lined wall-to-wall with goddamn flapper dresses and gold beads and shit. STOP FUCKING ASKING ME TO CHARLESTON, I DON’T KNOW HOW.

Love, Blake

 

By (surprisingly) Blake

Books That Were Discontinued, Disallowed, and Otherwise Disconnected from the History of Literature

Robert’s Rules of Recorders

Shortly following the release of the Fourth Edition of Robert’s Rules of Order, Robert’s daughter began to learn the recorder in her elementary school music class. Seeing a clear lack of structure and cohesion in this room of cacophonous nine-year-olds, Robert took his experience in parliamentary procedure to pen another set of guidelines that would best enable the class to learn “Old McDonald” in an organized and efficient matter. The rules included proper floor addresses (“Sir,” “Madame,” or “Flute Flute Mahgoot”), how to obtain the attention of the floor (toot a high C# until the assembly is silent or the windows shatter), and the proper procedure for determining the rightful owner of the Golden Recorder of Leadership (knife fight). However, after only three months of implementation, discontented elementary school teachers from around the country congregated around Robert’s home and shattered his eardrums with a rousing rendition of “Hot Crossed Buns.” The book was subsequently removed from school library shelves.

Catch-52

This follow-up to Catch-22 was actually published as a practical joke by Joseph Heller. This novel was, in fact, just a stack of playing cards hidden within the book’s binding and an inconspicuous cover. Heller’s intent was for unsuspecting readers to open the novel and have all fifty-two playing cards fall into their lap, resulting in surprised expressions and laughs abounding. Joseph Heller, a man hardened by the horrors of war and watching his fellow man perish in the trenches, loved a good guffaw. Unfortunately, book stores stopped stocking this novel following janitorial protests over the increased, card-based workload.

Children of the [Insert Vegetable Here]

Unknown to many, Children of the Corn was in fact just a single version of the short story in a series of publications by Stephen King. King penned a multitude of revisions of his classic short story in an attempt to appeal to individuals, particularly children, who were picky eaters. Children of the Carrot was most commercially well-received of his revisions, while Children of the Squash, Children of the Broccoli, and Children of the Bell Pepper were all horribly panned by literary critics (“Ew, this has squash in it? I don’t like squash.” – Edmund Wright, New York Times). Following the release of the movie rendition of Children of the Corn in 1984, all other versions were immediately declared fraudulent and discontinued. You can still find Children of the Kale on the coffee tables of some artisanal sandwich shops in Brooklyn, and it is rumored that Edward Snowden keeps a copy of Children of the Snow Pea on his person at all times.

Moby Richard

The original manuscript of Herman Melville’s Moby Dick had a decidedly more formal tone and style than its revised, more popular version. Moby Richard was first described as the Great White-Collar Whale, who bit off the Johnson account, leaving Ahab “without a leg to stand on,” so to speak. In a surprising twist, the opening line was the only thing that was actually edited to be more formal. “Call me Izzy-Shmay-Shmay” may have received even greater acclaim than its subsequent revised form, but the world will never know.

 

By Blake

An Open Letter to the Jonas Brothers

Dear Kevin, Joe, and Nick Jonas,

First off, I’m glad you’re all doing well. Nick and Joe, you have blazed your own unique paths as musicians, creating hit pop songs like “Cake by the Ocean” and “Jealous,” completely beyond the musical era of your younger days. Kevin, you were fired in the second episode of Celebrity Apprentice Season 7. Great work all around. However, I am not writing this open letter to congratulate you on your current endeavors. No, I am here as a member of the scientific community to express long-held concerns about your song, “Year 3000.”

Now, I am not going to chastise you for your toxic portrayal of the scientific community in the aforementioned 2002 hit. Nevertheless, the implication that the capacity to traverse through time – a revolutionary achievement that has been strived for by countless quantum physicians – could be accomplished by your “neighbor called Peter,” alone, with merely a “flux capacitor” is an insult to the toil of the men and women who have poured their lives into the study of time and its mechanics. And the audacity to claim that a time machine, even IF it were possible to construct, would look “like one in a film (you’ve) seen” is an audacious travesty – NO ONE IN THE SCIENTIFIC COMMUNITY WOULD PUT SUCH PRECIOUS MACHINERY IN A DELORIAN OR A HOT TUB. YOU KNOW NOTHING OF QUANTUM TECHNOLOGY, CRAIG ROBINSON. I apologize; I said I would not chastise you, the Jonas Brothers, but the complexity of the quantum physics conceptualizing the reality of time is a touchy subject for me.

One of my main concerns lies within the chorus of the “Year 3000.” In it, you claim, following your visit to the next millennia, you discovered that “not much has changed, but they lived underwater.” Excuse you – I know you may only be a charming boy band that stared in their own Disney Channel Original Series, but I must believe that even a simpleton would have to recognize that underwater habitation for the human species would change a great deal in our existence as a species. Our source of nourishment would, even if it resembled our current foodstuffs in appearance and taste, would have to come from a drastically different source, likely an algae-based agricultural practice or stem-cell augmentation in replicating the properties of modern livestock. Transit, whether by submersible vehicle or water-sealed vacuum tubes, would indicate a significant departure from our current forms of social interaction at a very base level – sociology may not be my field of expertise, but I know how widespread the implications when it comes to altering urban transportation (assuming these underwater colonies are, in fact, similar to modern cities – they must be, the population density would require it).

Honestly, that is just the tip of the horrifically inaccurate iceberg. “Boy bands, and another one, and another one, and another one,” may be par for the course in our current society, but “triple breasted women” swimming around “totally naked,” contrary to what you may believe, the Jonas Brothers, is not. While I appreciate even the most naïve amateurs diving into the pool of scientific theorization, you were woefully uninformed and misused your widespread popularity among teenage girls to spread ignorant conjectures about life in the next millennia. Although, it appears that your prophetic hubris was indeed your downfall – your seventh album, rather than having “gone multi-platinum” and “everybody bought” it, was Live: Walmart Soundcheck. Unsurprisingly, it did not “outsell Michael Jackson.”

I, and the rest of the scientific community, would appreciate an official press release denouncing the claims of your predictive pop song. It would go a long way to ensure that the tweens of 2002 do not venture into their adult years working under the misconception that traveling through time would result in a “funny noise,” rather than the ear-shattering explosion that would accompany surpassing the speed of light. We wish you nothing but the best, and we hope that your great-great-great-granddaughter does indeed turn out fine.

Cordially, Dr. Peter Fletcher, PhD

 

By Blake

Martin Luther’s Other Theses

The Reverend Father Martin Luther is most well-known for his “Ninety-Five Theses,” a document attacking the corrupt practices of the Catholic Church through a series of argumentative claims, that were nailed to the door of the Catholic Church. However, few people know that there were originally Two-Hundred and Forty-Seven Theses, most of which the Reverend Luther either decided were not as crucial to the reformation of the Catholic church, or accidently forgot to include in the final draft and didn’t want to write the whole thing again. These original theses were recovered during an archeological excavation in 1873, led by Sir Catherine Theeees, who found the lost document directly underneath Eisleben Elementary School. The world rejoiced at the prospect of new theological texts that could revolutionize contemporary religion, and the students at Eisleben Elementary rejoiced at missing school for a week. Academics studying these new theses found that they greatly developed our understanding of Martin Luther, both as a reverend and a Scorpio. To better educate and inform you, the reader, we will now present a select few of Martin Luther’s Other Theses.

6. There has been a drastic miscommunication as it pertains to our holy text. James 11:35 says that Our Lord and Master Jesus WEPT. Stop giving brooms to our newly ordained brethren.

23. The communion wafer is a dull and tasteless foodstuff, and does not accurately reflect the body of Our Lord and Savior. Perhaps it could be replaced with a Cheez-it – for Christ himself was quite zesty.

69. Christians are to be taught that indulgences, such as chocolates or fine wines, are to be enjoyed on cheat days and cheat days only.

80. The enemies of Christ and his people are many, and to be taken heed of so that his followers are not led away from the path. Deceivers, adulterers, and heretics should be feared. Also bears.

101. The pope, as descended from the holy St. Peter, is decreed by the Church as infallible, not unfallable. Stop trying to trip him as he walks past the pews.

101a. The pope is also not unfillable. Stop challenging him to chug the sacramental wine.

109. It is vain to trust in salvation by indulgence letters, though it is reasonable to trust in salivation by scrumptious fruits.

144. Any truly repentant Christian has a right to full remission of penalty and guilt, as well as a full season pass to Wacky Wally’s Funtime Amusement Cathedral, complete with free tickets to go on the Spinning Teacups of Absolution.

157. The true treasure of the church is the most holy gospel of the glory and grace of God. The secondary treasure of the church is the Secret Gold of Captain Levician, to be found only by following the map hidden on the inside of the pope’s hat.

199. Forsaken be the prophets who do not recognize the Holy Spirit in even the lowest of men, and blessed be the prophets who give you the rest of their fries when they’re full.

215. No river dancing.

231. Let him who speaks against the truth concerning papal injustices be accursed, or at least tickled into submission by the Holy Tickle Bishop (trademark pending).

247. Christians should be empowered in their pursuit of the Lord, and thus confident of entering into heaven through tribulations, including the Hallowed Limbo Game at the Golden Gates of Heaven. Hint: it’s all in the calves.

 

By Blake