My name is Dr. Cole Slaw. I know, I know, my parents were quite the comedians – let us move on. I am a tenured professor at Yale with a PhD in Material Science, and for the entirety of my career, I have been enraptured by the perplexity and uncertainty surrounding sauces. What is a sauce? What conditions have to be met for a substance to qualify as a sauce rather than a dressing or a marinade? Why can the adjective “saucy” be used to describe literal sauces as well as my neighbor Denice, who “tells it like it is?” To uncover these mysteries, I have spent the past decade collaborating with top researchers in the field of physics and top hostesses in the parking lots of Red Lobsters. As it is in any academic study, there will always be more to discover – new theories to test and new appetizers with which to dip – but as it currently stands, I have compiled a series of physical laws from my research that will serve as the foundation for any further sauce studies. For the scientific community and the whole world to see, I present Cole Slaw’s Sauce Laws.
Slaw’s First Sauce Law
A “sauce” is to be, at its core, recognized as a fluid or semi-fluid condiment used in the adornment or dipping of edible substances. Regardless if a substance meets all the other conditions required to be recognized as a sauce, this is the first condition a sauce must meet. This preclusion includes substances such as, but not limited to, motor oil, mud, and yellow snow.
Slaw’s Second Sauce Law
A sauce’s primary use must be to accompany another foodstuff. If it is sufficient on its own merit, it is not to be recognized as a sauce. For this reason, smoothies and baby food are not sauces. Even if you purchase a jar of Gerber’s Mixed Vegetable Purée solely for the purpose of lathering it upon a roasted ham, it was not produced for that purpose. It was produced to fill infants with hatred at an early age.
Slaw’s Second and a Half Sauce Law
The same remains true in the reverse – a sauce remains a sauce even if it is consumed independently of another foodstuff. Any individual who imbibes Worcestershire sauce on its own, of their own accord, is an abomination who spits in the face of God. That is all I have to say on the matter.
Slaw’s Third Sauce Law
A sauce, as compared to any other food adornment, must be appropriately “thick.” This “thickness” can be drawn from pure viscosity of the substance –as is the case for barbecue sauce – or from the presence of solid matter within the substance that creates the illusion of increased viscosity – as is the case for marinara sauce. This is the distinction that precludes ranch from being considered a proper sauce. When adorned upon a French fry, ranch does not cling with tenacity as does the barbecue sauce – on the contrary, it drips like the dressing that it is.
Slaw’s Fourth Sauce Law
For a sauce to be considered “special,” it must both be available exclusively from a single distributor, as well as be a puke-reminiscent hue of beige – that of 2% milk discarded in the middle of desert for seventeen days. Disclaimer: The McDonald’s and Chick-fil-A corporations have requested that I remove this law from my published findings, but I refused. For academic integrity. For scientific progress. For Denise.