Turpentine Turnover

A recipe popularized in Paris during the Impressionist Movement of the late nineteenth century, the Turpentine Turnover is one part puff pastry, one part cherry filling, and three parts distilled pine tree resin. This dessert gained renown in the artistic community due to the symptoms that accompanied its consumption, namely blood in one’s urine and discoloration of the skin – these sharp crimsons and soft azures provided painters with a wonderful palette of hues from which to draw inspiration.

Knife Surprise

This pie was introduced as a novelty dish at a local bakery in Poughkeepsie, called “The Éclair Au Pair.” The owner of the bakery, called “Steve,” created the dish in an attempt to fuse life-threatening, adrenaline-pumping risk-taking with homemade baked goods. The Knife Surprise was only available for a month before “The Éclair Au Pair” went out of business because, as it turns out, that intersection of passions is a very niche market. The only way to find out what the surprise was now is to purchase a Knife Surprise on the Black Farmer’s Market. (Spoiler: the surprise was that it was actually filled with tiny sticks of dynamite.)

The Nomadic Tart

The first cave paintings, alongside figures of man hunting beast, feature rough etchings of a baked good, punctuated by wavy lines on top (indicating heat/good scent) and straight lines to the side (indicating movement). Many Ancient Greek plays, from Oedipus Rex to The Bacchae, discuss “The Moving Pastry” in the same context as the Pantheon, with simultaneous reverence and fear. Paul warned the Hebrews and the Gentiles in The Book of Revelations of “That Which is Both Traveling and Delicious” as one of the forbearers of Judgement Day. While scholars debate the finer points of this pie (Does it have sentience? What are the biological components of a pastry that can circumvent the globe on its own accord? Is it gluten-free?), there are two things we know for sure – it’s coming, and we’re not ready.

Miss Norman’s Apple Pie

This pie is not a pie at all, but, in fact, a live bear that Miss Norman named “Apple Pie.” Do not fuck with Miss Norman.


By Blake

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