Dear Kevin, Joe, and Nick Jonas,

First off, I’m glad you’re all doing well. Nick and Joe, you have blazed your own unique paths as musicians, creating hit pop songs like “Cake by the Ocean” and “Jealous,” completely beyond the musical era of your younger days. Kevin, you were fired in the second episode of Celebrity Apprentice Season 7. Great work all around. However, I am not writing this open letter to congratulate you on your current endeavors. No, I am here as a member of the scientific community to express long-held concerns about your song, “Year 3000.”

Now, I am not going to chastise you for your toxic portrayal of the scientific community in the aforementioned 2002 hit. Nevertheless, the implication that the capacity to traverse through time – a revolutionary achievement that has been strived for by countless quantum physicians – could be accomplished by your “neighbor called Peter,” alone, with merely a “flux capacitor” is an insult to the toil of the men and women who have poured their lives into the study of time and its mechanics. And the audacity to claim that a time machine, even IF it were possible to construct, would look “like one in a film (you’ve) seen” is an audacious travesty – NO ONE IN THE SCIENTIFIC COMMUNITY WOULD PUT SUCH PRECIOUS MACHINERY IN A DELORIAN OR A HOT TUB. YOU KNOW NOTHING OF QUANTUM TECHNOLOGY, CRAIG ROBINSON. I apologize; I said I would not chastise you, the Jonas Brothers, but the complexity of the quantum physics conceptualizing the reality of time is a touchy subject for me.

One of my main concerns lies within the chorus of the “Year 3000.” In it, you claim, following your visit to the next millennia, you discovered that “not much has changed, but they lived underwater.” Excuse you – I know you may only be a charming boy band that stared in their own Disney Channel Original Series, but I must believe that even a simpleton would have to recognize that underwater habitation for the human species would change a great deal in our existence as a species. Our source of nourishment would, even if it resembled our current foodstuffs in appearance and taste, would have to come from a drastically different source, likely an algae-based agricultural practice or stem-cell augmentation in replicating the properties of modern livestock. Transit, whether by submersible vehicle or water-sealed vacuum tubes, would indicate a significant departure from our current forms of social interaction at a very base level – sociology may not be my field of expertise, but I know how widespread the implications when it comes to altering urban transportation (assuming these underwater colonies are, in fact, similar to modern cities – they must be, the population density would require it).

Honestly, that is just the tip of the horrifically inaccurate iceberg. “Boy bands, and another one, and another one, and another one,” may be par for the course in our current society, but “triple breasted women” swimming around “totally naked,” contrary to what you may believe, the Jonas Brothers, is not. While I appreciate even the most naïve amateurs diving into the pool of scientific theorization, you were woefully uninformed and misused your widespread popularity among teenage girls to spread ignorant conjectures about life in the next millennia. Although, it appears that your prophetic hubris was indeed your downfall – your seventh album, rather than having “gone multi-platinum” and “everybody bought” it, was Live: Walmart Soundcheck. Unsurprisingly, it did not “outsell Michael Jackson.”

I, and the rest of the scientific community, would appreciate an official press release denouncing the claims of your predictive pop song. It would go a long way to ensure that the tweens of 2002 do not venture into their adult years working under the misconception that traveling through time would result in a “funny noise,” rather than the ear-shattering explosion that would accompany surpassing the speed of light. We wish you nothing but the best, and we hope that your great-great-great-granddaughter does indeed turn out fine.

Cordially, Dr. Peter Fletcher, PhD

 

By Blake

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