The Reverend Father Martin Luther is most well-known for his “Ninety-Five Theses,” a document attacking the corrupt practices of the Catholic Church through a series of argumentative claims, that were nailed to the door of the Catholic Church. However, few people know that there were originally Two-Hundred and Forty-Seven Theses, most of which the Reverend Luther either decided were not as crucial to the reformation of the Catholic church, or accidently forgot to include in the final draft and didn’t want to write the whole thing again. These original theses were recovered during an archeological excavation in 1873, led by Sir Catherine Theeees, who found the lost document directly underneath Eisleben Elementary School. The world rejoiced at the prospect of new theological texts that could revolutionize contemporary religion, and the students at Eisleben Elementary rejoiced at missing school for a week. Academics studying these new theses found that they greatly developed our understanding of Martin Luther, both as a reverend and a Scorpio. To better educate and inform you, the reader, we will now present a select few of Martin Luther’s Other Theses.

6. There has been a drastic miscommunication as it pertains to our holy text. James 11:35 says that Our Lord and Master Jesus WEPT. Stop giving brooms to our newly ordained brethren.

23. The communion wafer is a dull and tasteless foodstuff, and does not accurately reflect the body of Our Lord and Savior. Perhaps it could be replaced with a Cheez-it – for Christ himself was quite zesty.

69. Christians are to be taught that indulgences, such as chocolates or fine wines, are to be enjoyed on cheat days and cheat days only.

80. The enemies of Christ and his people are many, and to be taken heed of so that his followers are not led away from the path. Deceivers, adulterers, and heretics should be feared. Also bears.

101. The pope, as descended from the holy St. Peter, is decreed by the Church as infallible, not unfallable. Stop trying to trip him as he walks past the pews.

101a. The pope is also not unfillable. Stop challenging him to chug the sacramental wine.

109. It is vain to trust in salvation by indulgence letters, though it is reasonable to trust in salivation by scrumptious fruits.

144. Any truly repentant Christian has a right to full remission of penalty and guilt, as well as a full season pass to Wacky Wally’s Funtime Amusement Cathedral, complete with free tickets to go on the Spinning Teacups of Absolution.

157. The true treasure of the church is the most holy gospel of the glory and grace of God. The secondary treasure of the church is the Secret Gold of Captain Levician, to be found only by following the map hidden on the inside of the pope’s hat.

199. Forsaken be the prophets who do not recognize the Holy Spirit in even the lowest of men, and blessed be the prophets who give you the rest of their fries when they’re full.

215. No river dancing.

231. Let him who speaks against the truth concerning papal injustices be accursed, or at least tickled into submission by the Holy Tickle Bishop (trademark pending).

247. Christians should be empowered in their pursuit of the Lord, and thus confident of entering into heaven through tribulations, including the Hallowed Limbo Game at the Golden Gates of Heaven. Hint: it’s all in the calves.

 

By Blake

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