Okay, I know what you’re thinking, and no – the game would not involve substituting the basketball with birds. That would be animal abuse, and the aviary population deserves better than that. Also, I don’t think slam dunking a parakeet would be nearly as satisfying as it sounds. But I digress.

No, this would be basketball with the BIRDS as the ATHLETES. Just imagine – birds swooping around the court, executing perfect mid-air passes, and shooting from heights the NBA couldn’t even conceive of! Even the name possibilities are endless! Le-Fawn James. Sha-Quale O’Neil. Larry Bird. But I know, you’re not here to listen to these incredibly witty names. Let’s talk logistics.

So the basics of the game would be the same. There would normally be five players allowed on the court at a time. Of course, we would have to take into account the size of the birds when determining the size of the teams. Five pigeons versus three crows would probably be an even matchup, depending on their respective wingspans. A pair of eagles would be a fairly formidable duo by themselves, and honestly, I think a single ostrich would be able to dominate the court no problem.

I’m not saying there wouldn’t be any problems, but if you just hear me out, the sky’s the limit! Actually, not even the sky is the limit, because BIRDS. So I know bird talons aren’t the most dribble-friendly appendages, but honestly, are hands that much better? That’s what I thought. I’m also sure we will have some trouble with the smaller fowl crafting nests in the hoops, as fowl are ought to do, but you know, that may just be a risk we have to take. We cannot stop the course of nature, but we can make nature do some fucking dope alley-oops. Speaking of oops, mid-game poops would also be problematic, but if we give them little bird-diapers with their team logo, that solves that problem AND the need for jerseys – two birds with one stone, if you will.

Anyway, I know what you’re thinking – what sort of marketing would be the most effective way of informing the public of our aviary athletes? First, blimps, for obvious reasons. Second – what? No, Doc, I don’t think I use imaginative delusions to avoid thinking about my actual problems. And hey, this isn’t a delusion! I didn’t spend an entire therapy session talking about a delusion – I was explaining a detailed plan to have BIRDS play BASKETBALL. I don’t think you’ve been listening.


By Blake

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