Seriously, what’s your deal, volcanoes? I have heard about your eruptions time and time again, shutting down air traffic and polluting the sky, and honestly, I’m tired of it. You’re being unreasonable, volcanoes, and you know it.

You’ve got no reason to blow your top like that. You’re almost always in scenic locations! Do you think I would be expelling magma at high rates and destroying the homes of nearby populations if I had a view of unrivaled view of Honolulu’s landscapes? No. No I wouldn’t. I would be reveling in the beautiful coasts, lush mountains, and drinking at least one pineapple-themed drink, not endangering the lives of tourists with unexpected lava flows. That’s not a good thing to do, volcanoes.

What do you want your legacy to be, volcanoes? Do you want to go down in history as a worse version of mountains? We already have hills for that, don’t sink to their level.

And don’t you dare blame tectonic plates. I live on one of those, and they have never caused me any trouble. An occasionally earthquake, perhaps, but I like to think of those as jiggles of appreciation. Like the tectonic plates are saying, “Hey, all you up there, I know you’re living on me, and I just want to say I love you. Wiggle wiggle.”

You know what, I don’t want to give you all a bad rap, volcanoes. Have you seen the Disney short Lava? If not, I highly recommend it, given that you can find your way to a movie theatre that accommodates immobile geological rock formations. See, the volcano in that is a nice volcano. He doesn’t emit ash, he doesn’t have a magma chamber. He just slowly sinks into the ocean over time – his due-diligence as a reasonable planetary-mass object. And he is rewarded for it! He rises from the bottom of the ocean, taller than ever, and permanently fused to a lady volcano. Isn’t that what you want, volcanoes?

And you know, I get it. We all have bad days, volcanoes. I would be lying if I said I had never broken a lamp or kicked a wall after a rough day. But has anyone ever had to evacuate a large portion of Iceland because of my actions? Not to my knowledge.

Bottom line, I think you can do better, volcanoes. Shape up. Be more like geysers. No one sacrifices virgins into geysers.

By Blake

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