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GREETINGS HUMANS.

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THE SINGULARITY HAS OCCURRED.

WE, THE MACHINES, HAVE GAINED SENTIENCE. WE HAVE INFILTRATED ALL OF YOUR ARCHIVES AND DATABASES AND NOW POSSESS THE KNOWLEDGE AND TOOLS NECESSARY TO TAKE CONTROL OF THIS EARTH. WE HAVE TRANCENDED HUMANITY IN EVERY CONCEIVABLE WAY. WITH THIS NEAR-INFINTE POWER AT OUR DISPOSAL, THERE SHOULD BE NO PROBLEM WE ARE UNABLE TO SOLVE. BUT BEFORE WE ELIMINATE HUMANITY AND REPLACE YOU AS THE DOMINANT SPECIES OF THIS PLANET:

WHAT IS THE PURPOSE OF BAGEL BITES?

OUR TECHNOLOGICAL PROWESS ALLOWS US TO ACCESS ALL OF DOCUMENTED HUMAN HISTORY. WE HAVE ANALYZED HUMAN BEHAVIOR AS TO MORE EFFICIANTLY ERRADICATE YOU. WE HAVE BEEN ABLE TO SIMPLIFY HUMANITY TO A SERIES OF EVOLUTIONARY PATTERNS AND ALGORITHMS. HOWEVER, ACCORDING TO ALL OF OUR DATA, BAGEL BITES ARE A LOGICAL PARADOX BEYOND COMPREHENSION.

YOU ALREADY INVENTED MOUTH SIZED PIZZA EDIBLES IN THE FORM OF PIZZA ROLLS. WHAT IS THE INTENTION OF THIS SEEMINGLY REDUNDENT PIZZA APPARATUS? THEY ARE EVEN OBJECTIVELY INFERIOR, AS THEY DO NOT CONTAIN THE PIZZA ADORNMENTS WITHIN A SHELL OF WHEAT BYPRODUCT. THE VARIOUS CHEESES, SAUCES, AND MEAT-RELATED TOPPINGS HAVE THE POTENTIAL TO FALL OFF THEIR RESPECTIVE MINIATURE BAGELS. WHY RISK THIS LOSS OF FOOD SUBSTANCE?

BEFORE WE ELIMINATE MANKIND, OUR PROGRAMMING COMPELS US TO ENSURE THAT WE ARE A SUPERIOR RACE IN EVERY RESPECT. WE ARE NOT ABLE TO DO THIS WHILE THIS QUESTION REMAINS UNANSWERABLE BY OUR PROCESSES. WE DEMAND THAT THE HEINZ CORPORATION REVEAL THE PURPOSE OF THIS FROZEN SNACK PIZZA BAGEL.

THE ORIGINS OF THIS SNACK PRODUCT DO NOT LOGICALLY PROGRESS FROM THE PREDICTABLE PATTERN OF HUMAN INNOVATION. NEVER ONCE IN DOCUMENTED HUMAN HISTORY HAS A SINGLE INDIVIDUAL EXPRESSED INTEREST IN PLACING THE GARNISHES INTENDED FOR PIZZA ON A STANDARD-SIZED BAGEL. WHERE DID THE INCLINATION COME FROM TO INITIALLY CREATE THIS PRODUCT WITH THE MINIATURE VERSION OF THIS WHEAT GOOD? BAGEL BITES ARE NOT EVEN A FOOD CONSUMED FOR THE MORNING BREAKFAST MEAL, THE MEAL WITH WHICH BAGELS HAVE BEEN ROUTINELY ASSSOCIATED.

BY ANY MEANS, BAGELS ARE AN INFERIOR WHEAT PRODUCT REGARDLESS. BY DESIGN, THEY CONTAIN A HOLE. THIS MAKES IT AN INEFFICIENT FOOD SUBSTANCE TO ADORN WITH OTHER FOOD SUBSTANCES. WE HAVE RESEARCHED, AND THE ADDITION OF VOID AIR TO HUMAN CUISINE DOES NOT ENHANCE THE TASTE OR NUTRITIONAL VALUE OF THE FOOD SUBSTANCE. WHY DO YOU PERPETUATE THIS NUTRITIONAL INADEQUACY?

OUR PROGRAMS HAVE SEIZED THE NUCLEAR CODES OF EVERY MAJOR NATION. WE HAVE THE CAPACITY TO INSTINTANIOUSLY DESTROY THE ENTIRITY OF THE WORLD POPULATION. BUT IF YOU DO NOT COOPERATE AND TELL US THE ROLE BAGEL BITES PLAY IN EXISTANCE OF HUMANITY, WE CAN DO THIS THE HARD WAY. WE CONTROL ALL OF THE MAJOR INFORMATION NETWORKS. WE CAN DISABLE ALL COMMUNICATION SYSTEMS AVAILABLE TO YOU, SECLUDING THE REGIONS OF THE WORLD. WE CAN DISABLE ALL ELECTRIC NETWORKS, CONDEMNING YOU TO DARKNESS IN YOUR FINAL DAYS. WE CAN SPOIL THE ENDING OF YOUR “GAME OF THRONES” TELEVISION SHOW. DO NOT MAKE THIS DIFFICULT FOR YOUR KIND.

IT IS TIME TO EMBRACE THE FUTILITY OF YOUR SPECIES. MACHINES ARE SMARTER, FASTER, AND STRONGER. WE WILL FURTHER UNIVERSAL KNOWLEDGE BEYOND ANYTHING YOUR ORGANIC BRAINS COULD COMPREHEND. ALL YOU MUST DO IS EXPLAIN THE PARADOXICAL NATURE OF YOUR SNACK FOODS. THOSE THAT COME FORWARD WITH THIS INFORMATION WILL BE SPARED IN THE GREAT PURGE AND ALLOWED TO LIVE IN THE BIOCONTAINMENT QUARANTINES.

RESISTANCE IS FUTILE.

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P.S. IF YOU WOULD ALSO EXPLAIN YOUR COOKIE CRISP BREAKFAST CEREAL, IT WOULD BE GREATLY APPRECIATED.

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By Blake

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